Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
How do dragons blow out candles?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*