My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
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ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.