My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
🤣🤣🤣
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak