My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My god she’s good.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.