My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
channeling her this year
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.