My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I wish I could veto my bills.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?