My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Knock Knock
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please