My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.