My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”