@DaddyJew: My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he's brain dead
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@matt___nelson: JESUS: so I'm u GOD: yes JESUS: and ur me GOD: yes JESUS: I don't get it GOD: I do JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other GOD: whoa
@MartaEffing: [sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*
@Jennuflect: Not tryin' to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it's inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
@InternetHippo: Me: Going to stop being mad. Maybe take up meditation Person in front of me at Chipotle: I'm ordering for 5 people Me: I will kill you