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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Human are so complicated