RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
awesome draft from months ago i just found
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up