My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
You Might Also Like
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
He’s cranky this morning
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…