My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine