My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you