@amydillon: My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, "it goes by so fast."
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@rickkondell: The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
@PretendMaker: *into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers
@Tups13: Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants. Whoa! Dude! Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??
@Playing_Dad: Walk up in the club like "THIS IS MY JAM" handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves