“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married