My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I think this cat is broken
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.