ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Is this a threat?