[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.