My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Previously On Persistence 😎
My favorite female superhero
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Where’s my employee discount too?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!