My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*