My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
When the stylist spins you back around