My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.