My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
*updates tinder bio*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
This is a bad sign
good for her
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*