My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.