@mrtruthandsoul: "I think I stepped in some upchuck" What's up, Chuck? "Not much, but my name's not Chuck" *vomits*

@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "I want him swimming with the fishes!" *later at the coral reef* Me: "This is amazing!" Mafia boss: "Anything for you."

@lovvedess: You know what..... my ex should've kept me blocked

@rad_milk: if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@PetrickSara: Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line. If you don't already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.