My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.