@iwearaonesie: My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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@sara_ashlynn: Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
@joejwest: [pet shop] ME: I'm looking for a dog that can talk OWNER: Try this one ME: [to dog] Can you talk? DOG: No ME: My search continues
@1followernodad: Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.