@iwearaonesie: My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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@iwearaonesie: So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say "you're getting a little chunky"
@AndyAsAdjective: Judging by this sunburn, I'd say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
@KingPatrick24: The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.