My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You Might Also Like
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.