My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Your honor these allegations are
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.