My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Bringing home a sharpie
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My dog ate my work from home.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.