my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
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My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This makes total sense…
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.