@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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@TheBoydP: The guy who first said "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
@michaelianblack: The Old Testament is the historical record of the first time we Jews controlled the media.
@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
@Mr_Kapowski: Guy 1: Women love a man that's well read Guy 2: Got it [date] Woman: So what- Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?