@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
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@badbanana: One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
@neiltyson: After several Steven Segal films in a row, you'd think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
@rickolantern: Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.