@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
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@AndyRichter: Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche
@XplodingUnicorn: Reasons I put my kids to bed on time: 3) They need their rest. 2) Routine is important. 1) "Game of Thrones" is on.
@jessforaminute: *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
@sickipediabot: "If you have any questions, just ask. My door is always open." said the boss at my new job. "Why do you need a door then?" I asked him.