@Playing_Dad: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She's now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don't negotiate with terrorists.
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@KarenLyneButler: When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don't sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I'm talking to you David Arquette.
@ValeeGrrl: Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
@StinkyGr33n: *Creating bees* God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem. Angel: Sure thing, boss. God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time
@thewritertype: If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I'd have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.