My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?