*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Rooting for the overdog
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.