Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.