My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.