My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs