*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Still cracks me up
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments