Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.