My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
The honesty is refreshing
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Trumpy Cat
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen