My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A double negative is a big no-no.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over