My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
every single time
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.