Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Happy Thanksgiving
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*