@nigelgodwin: My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them
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@DBMaxP: Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is "good" champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
@Ygrene: Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning Brain: Stop M: It was B: No M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey B: This is why I can't do math in your head
@weinerdog4life: The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
@ArfMeasures: GF: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital ME: That'll be great, we really need the beds