@nigelgodwin: My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don't really like any of them
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@BeardSpice: "Two birds with one stone, how about all the birds" God thinks, hurling an asteroid toward Earth
@Jesstrat: Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card
@missokistic: Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.