My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You Might Also Like
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.