My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
You Might Also Like
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.