My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.