My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Omg 🤣
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism