My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.