Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend