If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses