Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
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my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I saw this ending much differently.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.